


Falling out of love isn't supposed to feel this good

by lost_lesbian



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Minor Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Nonbinary Character, Unreliable Narrator, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:33:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26129599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_lesbian/pseuds/lost_lesbian
Summary: They can't help it, they want what Killua has. They want Killua's love and they want Killua's attention and they want Killua's boy. The mansion was suffocating, there was never enough space to escape their want.Or, Kalluto has a confused, misguided puppy crush on Gon
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Kalluto Zoldyck, Kalluto Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 12
Kudos: 78





	Falling out of love isn't supposed to feel this good

Killua had a boy. He had a boy who was willing to travel all the way past the testing gates for him. Killua had a friend. Killua had Illumi's attention, Mother's affection, Father's hope, Alluka's love, and now he had a friend.

They followed Mother like her toy, her doll and watched as she knocked Canary out. Killua's boy was bloody and bruised. He was bloody and bruised and he had fire in his eyes, Kalluto didn't doubt that he would go to the ends of the earths for his friends. For Killua.

Kalluto wanted that.

It was unfair. Killua had everything, every family member had their eyes on him, and while before he had had eyes only for Alluka, Kalluto need only look and the bloody and bruised boy to know that he had captured Killua's interest in a brand new way. Killua's eyes were on this boy and somewhere beyond the testing gates lay his heart. Killua wasn't here, this boy had won when he showed up at the testing gates. Or maybe before, Kalluto didn't know when Killua gave his heart away, but the boy had it. Killua's love, his attention, were now officially out of reach. They could always try to replace Alluka as Killua's favorite sibling, but they could never be what this boy was to Killua.

It was new, the way that boy was so fixated on Killua. Everyone is fixated on Killua, the way a lost traveller is fixated on the star's light in the dark night, but this boy was a sunny day. The sun was chasing the moon and they could only watch this cosmic dance, forever an outsider. They could only ever chase the moon from their lowly place on earth, destined to die with his neck craned up trying to catch a single glimpse of silver through the stormy night. The boy was so bright it hurt Kalluto. He wasn't chasing Killua because he was in the dark and needed the star's light to guide him, he was here out of pure devotion and want. The boy wanted Killua, he loved him.

Everyone wanted Killua. Their mother may have designated Kalluto to trail behind her but at the end of the day they walked behind her, chasing her back while she had her eyes set on all Killua. It was hardly surprising that this blinding boy would also chase Killua. Not even Kalluto could escape the fate everyone seemed to fall prey to: of competing for Killua's attention, but one look at this boy and he knew he had lost. He had lost to Alluka despite her being locked up and now he was losing this boy.

Killua was leaving because this boy came to save him. Killua was leaving with the bloody and bruised boy and there was nothing Kalluto could do.

They wanted that.

They wanted that so badly.

Distantly they heard their mother call them. They took one last look at the boy, covered in mud and blood, and drank in as much as they could, before turning around and chasing their mother's back.

"Killua's going to burn himself in his light" they thought as they ran.

…

Kalluto couldn't stop thinking about it. Killua had left of course, and he hadn't spared a single glance back, beaming at the boy. The boy who had so easily captured Killua's elusive attention and want. If Killua loved him he must be amazing.

The mansion was quiet these days, unbearably so. Illumi was always working, Milluki locked up, and mother uncharacteristically pensive. She talked less now that Killua was gone again, but Kalluto knew the silence was temporary. Kalluto still spoke as many words a day as they usually did: two. ‘yes mother’

So Kalluto was left with their thoughts, which kept coming back to the boy like the traitorous bastards they were. They couldn't help but want. They wanted Killua to look at him, but they also wanted to know the boy so bright he had charmed the moon.

They were sprawled on their bed, having nothing else to do and no jobs to take. They thought of the boy, and how headstrong he had been, so loving as to have taken a beating for Killua. They wanted that. They dreamed of someone caring enough to rescue them too, usually the boy. They felt bad for wanting to be rescued, they were a Zoldyck, there was nothing to be rescued from, but that didn't stop the boy from coming into his dreams, climbing through their windows and holding their hand as they passed through the testing gate. They wanted that.

Life for Kalluto was a quiet affair, so when no one else talked to them they imagined that the boy wanted to talk to them, that the boy whispered sweet nothings to them and ranted endlessly about meaningless things to fill the silence. It was nice.

The boys eyes had been so bright, so full of life. Like everything in life, Kalluto wanted that and Killua had it.

…

Their next job came quickly. They sliced the man up into pieces, making sure not to leave the face intact so as to not have it haunt their nightmares. Standing in the pool of blood, they remembered Killua's boy again. The boy was horrified.

Killua's boy was so full of life, of course he would be horrified. Killua had always despised this profession while Kalluto reveled in it, and the boy had made his choice. He had made the right choice. Kalluto would've stained him, would've dimmed his brightness. Killua deserved him. Killua was so bright, they deserved each other, but Kalluto still wanted. They still wanted no matter how many times they told themself the boy hated them as they washed the blood from their kimono.

…

The boy was a guilty pleasure, a forbidden daydream. He was Killua's, he deserved to be Killua's, and Kalluto had no right to intrude, to place themself between the two. The boy was Killua's they reminded themself as they bit their knuckle, drawing blood.

Killua's boy was the forbidden fruit and Kalluto was feasting. Thinking of the boy was now their default setting. Dreaming of being rescued, of being looked at and talked to, of being heard, of being loved, of being important, and of the boy's mouth against theirs. Killua was going to kill them for the last one. But being killed by him is the way they wanted to go anyway, with Killua's eyes on them. 

They were feverish. The boy was distracting. They needed to bring Killua back, to have Killua's eyes on them and then maybe they could stop thinking of Killua's boy. They can't help it, they want what Killua has. They wants Killua's love and they want Killua's attention and they want Killua's boy. The mansion was suffocating, there was never enough space to escape his want.

…

They ended up leaving the mansion, running from their want. They couldn't want Killua's boy they reminded themself. They still dreamed of him every night.

The phantom troupe was a slap of cold water to the face. They finally had human contact, if barely human, but someone was listening to them. The Troupe spared glances at them and that was enough for Kalluto. They were looking for Killua now. They needed him to look at them, to acknowledge their existence at the very least. To tell them that he hated them so that Kalluto knew they at least crossed his mind.

In reality they knew if Killua said that to them, they would break. But they weren't in reality.

Talking to real people, they daydreamed of Killua's boy less and less. Its for the best they told themself. Killua's boy deserved Killua, not the broken mess that was Kalluto. Killua was the amazing one, the exceptional and talented and kind one. They had made peace with that long ago. They were nothing but a temporary intrusion in the dance between the sun and moon.

They weren't prepared to hear of Kilua or his boy from the phantom troupe. Killua's boy's name is Gon. They were kidnapped twice by the phantom troupe, and they escaped twice. They were amazing. A pair unrivaled. Kalluto was nothing but an intruder, that much was clear.

…

“Gon” they finally had a name to the face. Killua's boy had a name. It was short and simple and it tasted like honey on their lips.

“Gon” the name spilled from their lips like a prayer, the syllables foreign on their tongue. 

It felt foreign but they whispered the name like a feverish prayer into their pillow, testing the way the syllables felt in his mouth, hoping that no one heard them taking what was never theirs.

…

They alleviated the guilt with a single thought: they didn't love Killua's boy- Gon, and Gon didn't love them. They weren't taking anything. Every thought, every idle daydream, still made them feel like a theif, but they knew that Gon didn't even know their name.

They knew nothing of Killua's boy other than that he was amazing enough to be loved by Killua, headstrong enough to make it into the estate, and that he had fire in his eyes. Really they loved the idea of Gon. They didn't love him. They weren't capable of loving like Killua, didn't deserve to love someone like Gon. They knew nothing of Killua's boy other than they weren't good enough for him. They were degrading him into a self serving daydream to ease his loneliness, a distant fever dream. Devaluing Killua's amazing boy into nothing more than an ideal.

They didn't love him and they knew that. 

Tears stained their pillow

…

Those two were distracting. When they weren't thinking of Killua they were thinking of his boy. Killua who was so... amazing, the person he chose has to be even more amazing, right? Maybe they were idealizing. But Gon had come all the way to kukuroo mountain for Killua, what greater love is there than standing up to the Zoldycks for someone? 

Kalluto had never loved anyone enough to back talk their mother. They barely tolerated his family as is, they couldn't imagine holding affection for Illumi or Milluki. They had never cared enough for Killua to talk back either, and Killua had never cared enough to do so for Kalluto.

It reminded them of Alluka. Killua hadn't even gone back for her. Killua hated their family more than he loved Alluka, that much Kalluto was sure of. The boy had done what Killua wouldn't, not for any of them, not even for Alluka. Some sick, twisted part of him rejoiced at this. The boy was to her what she had been to Kalluto, someone more important to Killua. It almost felt poetic, they wanted to throw up for thinking like that, but they couldn't help but feel a little happy about it.

But if Killua really loved the boy more than Alluka, if fillial love only went so far, and in Kalluto's experience fillial only went as far as a passive hello, then whatever Killua found with Gon must be... amazing, and intense. They wanted that. 

They wanted someone to look at them like Gon looked at Killua, Gon was just a placeholder in their fantasies they told themself. A placeholder that would probably never change, who could compete with how the sun looks at the stars? It didn't matter, Kalluto was the leftovers of the universe, no one would ever look at them, so who could blame them for getting attached to the love between the universe's two greatest wonders?

"I can hear you thinking, it's annoying" Feitan spoke up. Kalluto looked up from their place on the rooftop to glare at him, they didn't say anything.

"Why are you always looking at the stars anyways? Whats so interesting about them? There are a million things here on earth that are actually within your grasp" 

They hadn't realized they had been staring at the night sky.

…

They were wrong, Killua had gone back for her.

They had always known that Killua loved Alluka more than them, but it still stung to read the letter. Alluka. She was amazing, wasn't she? They wanted that, to be amazing. To be amazing enough for Killua to come back for them. 

If Killua had gone back for Alluka then that meant they were wrong. Fillial love was enough to scale the mountain and stand up to the Zoldycks, it was enough for Killua to threaten their mother's life. It wasn't the kind of love that mattered, it was that Killua didn't love Kalluto. They didn't even know what they wanted at this point, but they wanted something goddammit. Even scraps would be enough. 

Gon, Killua, and Alluka would be a happy little family. The sun, moon, and stars. Kalluto would forever be the universe's afterthought. 

They stopped looking at the stars. They could hear them laughing, taunting them that they would never be like them. Looking at the moon made their chest hurt. It was cold, uncaring, it didn't love them. They started sleeping during the night instead.

The sun burnt their pale skin. It also warmed them, to the point where they could almost forget that the sun didn't know who they were. But nothing changed, so they kept looking for Killua. They scolded themself when they thought of Killua's boy, telling themself that they weren't enough for him anyway. They weren't going to burn up.

They didn't know why they were looking for Killua at this point, not completely. They just wanted. They were damned to stand outside in the cold looking in through the window of Killua's life, and they just wanted to go inside. They knew they wouldn't be let in but they kept looking for the door.

…

They found Killua. And Alluka. Gon wasn't in sight, they were almost relieved. They didn't know who's attention they'd be vying for if he was here.

…

It had been several months and they had concluded one thing: Life with Killua was warm. Sometimes Killua would wake up hyperventilating though. Those nights were the exception. Tonight was one of those nights, and Kalluto had actually gotten him to calm down and talk this time.

They were right, Killua had gotten to close to the sun and had the burn marks to show for it. The guilt was unbearable as they listened to Killua quietly explain what had happened in East Gorteau. Like someone using a knife to stir his intestines. 

They touched a scar near Killua's neck, "You're amazing Killua"

Killua's breath hitched and he held back tears, "I wasn't enough for him" he whispered, trying not to wake Alluka. The only reason he was telling them this was because they were the only one awake to help with the nightmares.

"Of course you were, you're Killua" Gon was a real person, who had been going through intense grief, it was such a change from the Gon Kalluto had invented that he almost wanted to separate them into two people. His fake Gon and Killua's real Gon. It was time for this puppy crush to end anyways they told themself. "Gon asked you for too much"

Killua laugh was harsh, "I know that, I know we were codependent and stuff, but the bastard was in pain. I should have been able to help more, if I had asked-" his voice broke on the last word, he shifted on the bed to make room for Kalluto. They sat down.

Killua leaned against them, "Do you know what it feels like to not be enough"

"Sounds like the title of my autobiography"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to leave you I just-" forgot about you. The words were left unsaid but they both knew how that sentence ended.

"I used to have a crush on Gon"

Killua pulled away, he was looking at them like they had suddenly grown a second head.

"I'm going to kill you" there was no conviction in his voice.

"No you're not, its three am you're more emotional than usual"

Killua laughed again, loudly. He went back to leaning on Kalluto, "We have very similar taste in men then"

Alluka threw a pillow at them.

"You couldn't wait until the morning to be gay?" She stalked over to them rubbing the fatigue out of her eyes, "so what's this I hear about Kalluto having a puppy crush?" She asked as Killua made room for her on the already cramped bed.

"Used to- and good riddance too i would have killed him-"

"Shut up we both know that's not true Killua, also I can't beleive you woke me up at three am to talk about Gon again"

"-I didn't mean to wake you up"

"To be fair Killua was having a panic attack when he woke up, I was calming him down." To their surprise Alluka threw a pillow at Killua upon hearing this.

"You should've woken me up!"

"Teasing Kalluto is a better distraction though let's go back to that-" Alluka covered Killua's mouth. They both looked at them expectantly.

"-it was just a puppy crush, I've never even met him" Killua looked very satisfied at that explanation, "he just showed up to get you, and I wanted that, I wanted to be enough for someone to come back for me" both Killua and Alluka donned almost identical guilty looks.

They tackled them at the same time. The hug was suffocating them, they tried to claw their way out but Killua and Alluka just gripped them harder. Eventually they relaxed into the hug.

They woke up in a tangle of limbs, sandwiched between Killua drooling onto their precious kimono and Alluka's morning breath. Neither of the idiots were moving anytime soon. 

They didn't think falling out of love would feel this good.

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I haven't stopped thinking of the possibilities of Kallugon for days. Something about actually unrequited and misguided crushes feeds my need for angst. Kalluto is a godsend and I'm sorry for making him suffer.


End file.
